Belonging — a craving far from quenching.

I don’t belong here. It’s been a haunting feeling my entire life — I’ll never “fit in”. Do you feel it, too? In the past I didn’t understand, and sometimes I still don’t, and chalked it up to “there’s something wrong with me”. Looking back at my life and examining the present, I’m not entirely sure that it’s me who doesn’t “fit in”. I don’t think any of us do. What I’m trying to say is, if you can relate to what I am saying, then you’re right. We don’t belong here.

We’ve been painfully separated from the paradise we belong in. We long for more and grieve what we don’t have, and I must ask, is it because buried deep within our DNA is the pure bliss experience of walking in complete paradisal freedom with the one who created us? Do our cells remember the ultimate freedom Adam & Eve experienced so long ago? Afterall, our incredible designer, intricately yet purposely, created us to have over 100 trillion cells which store close to 35 trillion gigabytes of information. Science has found the data stored within our cells can come from 7 generations before us. Is what we desire and long for, on almost a daily basis, a missing puzzle piece recorded into our DNA? I believe so. We crave perfection because we were designed to enjoy it.

This world is full of visual and instant distractions, lies that taste, feel, and look like the truth, and sin that creeps in and out of our lives unnoticed. I’m thirty six years old and can say for at least over half my life I’ve been awake to the hard truth that “I don’t belong here”. I admit, I didn’t always understand WHY. I tried so hard to understand and make sense of it by attempting to have conversations about it — no bueno. I have been looked at like I have 5 heads resulting in confirming the lie “there’s something wrong with me”. In my teens I delt with the awkwardness by keeping my mouth shut. From early childhood to now I’ve always felt like I’ve seen the world a bit differently than most and yet the burning desire to share the discernment has never fleeted. I’ve come to terms that keeping my mouth shut gives satan an endless can of kerosene which is both dangerous and reckless.

It’s taken me years to accept my gift of discernment. As a child, I tried sharing what I felt, saw, heard — only for it to be explained away. I’m not faulting anyone either, for who could have understood the depths of my own confusion? In my thirties, I have been able to use this gift to help others and while doing so the Holy Spirit has humbled and grown me exponentially. The Lord gives me vivid dreams, in fact that is how I was saved. These gifts are meant to be used and shared for his glory. I will no longer keep it to myself, my husband, or to my small circle of incredible friends. There is nothing more that I want than for you to know that Jesus IS the answer to everything. As cliche as that sounds, it’s the truest truth you’ll ever know. He loves you dearly and knows your inmost thoughts, desires, wants, needs — He will be the only person to ever know you, and love you, fully. Our God is sovereign over it all. Such a short sentence that offers much to dream/think/consider. Our God is sovereign over it all.

As an enneagram 4 / infj, I feel deep. Oh yes, so much depth it sometimes feels like a dark hole that sucks me in. I enjoy creating, beauty in many forms, and standing barefoot in his creation. Words and feelings are my vice. Many times I don’t understand what’s happening inside my spirit until I read and reread what came out through my fingers when I write. I pray that my creativity and desire to write blesses you in such a way that you sense, see, hear, feel, and experience the Holy Spirit in ways you have never before. His power is for such a time as this. It’s for YOU. Not just for the people in the Bible. The time is now.

I’m inspired by a medical condition which I have no control over. Two solid bilateral thyroid nodules. Oh has the enemy worked his way with this. Is it cancer? Why does it hurt so badly? What if I die? What will happen to my marriage, my kids, my business? Spiraling out with questions I have no answers to has crippled me, locked me in a cell that I have a key for yet refuse to use.

And yet God, gosh he is so good to me, has continuously been above it all, unsurprised and ready to fight on my behalf. He is speaking to me and unleashing his power upon me. With every word I type the enemy shrieks. Every thought I take and turn into a sentence is a strong shield blocking satans annoying firey darts. Every story I tell about Jesus’ endless glory, love, and power in my life sends satan and his minions shivering and running. The sound of letters being typed on my keyboard resulting in the sound of you turning each page or the pressure it takes for your finger to scroll — friends, it’s the sound of a warfare weapon being used.

I know God has something for you and I am so excited about it! As a precious mentor says to me, “he is waiting for you”. I pray by reading my some what organized thoughts turned into paragraphs of making senes of the seen and unseen, fans a flame inside you and opens your eyes to see that you too have many stories of your own to tell of His power, love, faithfulness and sovereignty in your life. I pray you choose to not keep it tucked away safe for yourself but instead create a warfare weapon of your own.

(All images seen on Missy’s blog are original.)