WEEK 2: REST
“If we could learn how to balance rest against effort, calmness against strain, quiet against turmoil, we would assure ourselves of joy in living and psychological health for life.”
Welcome to week 2, REST! Push pause on the “release” you’ve been working hard at and allow space to move into this week’s content. To begin, let’s chat bout boundaries. YIKES. HA! We’re totally going there this week! Ready?
I use to say “yes” to too much because I wanted to help people, be involved, and because FOMO (fear of missing out) is a very real thing! This looked like taking on extra clients, volunteering in several ministries, volunteering in my community, saying yes to coffee/lunch dates even though it would make me super pressed for time…and while all those were GOOD things, each added too much busy in my day. I would end my evening feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and on edge. I’d say things like, “I don’t have enough time to do what I want and absolutely have no time to relax.” (Insert covering eyes emoji here, lol)
Allowing myself to truly rest and to just BE STILL without multitasking was nonexistent, and when I did attempt to rest I’d feel guilty, lazy, and my mind would remind me of my to do list. Can you relate???
You’ll know exactly what this refers too after listening to audio 1!
When I worked through WHY I said “yes” to too much and found the emotional root, my mind was blown. (Yep, I used the five steps in week one to find an emotional root, understand it, and examined how it was shaping my thoughts/emotions/behaviors/motivations).
Here’s what I found out about myself:
I wanted to be involved because I enjoyed when others are happy.
I also enjoy being liked.
I felt uncomfortable saying no and felt mean when doing so.
Being busy made me feel successful, as if I was accomplishing good things.
I could go on and on, but the real issue was I had zero boundaries for myself and with others. At that time I had a deep seeping emotional wound of abandonment from my childhood and I was allowing that wound to motivate my “saying YES to too much” behavior. I had no idea this is what was going on until I stumbled upon a book called “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud.
If you also say yes to too much, or have zero time to rest, ask yourself if it could be connected to a past trauma. When I said “yes” it was motivated by my longing to be loved, seen, liked, appreciated, and known. Boundaries were a foreign concept to me and I made excuses for people’s poor decisions, even when it hurt me. After reading that book and doing release work on my own, I began to see that my “yes” was very rooted in fear of being abandoned.
As I began making proper boundaries in my life, saying no starting feeling less scary and my yes’s became motivated by a more authentic version of myself instead of my past abandonment trauma. To be honest, when I first began putting better boundaries in place I was so nervous to tell someone I couldn’t help, I didn’t want to let someone down. I caught my thoughts justifying WHY I should add on the extra!! Listen, making a change or putting a boundary in place takes loads of practice and patience with self , and that’s exactly what I had to do to protect the boundaries I desperately needed to grow emotionally and mentally.
Here are a few “emotions” that tend to be a “symptom” of lack of boundaries:
Depression: Sometimes lack of boundaries leads to being mistreated. Much pain follows along with turning anger inward at self and also at the people who are hurting you.
Panic: Feeling like you have no control over what is happening due to lack of boundaries
Resentment: Often times is a result of complying with others when your needs were not heard or met.
Passive Aggressive Behavior: When we do not set limits and let your yes be yes and no be no, we may set those limits passively instead.
Codependency towards others instead of acting responsibly TO them with proper boundaries
Identity Confusion: When we don’t take responsibility for what falls within our boundaries, we are unable to tell what is of us and what is of someone else. We need to know who are are at our core apart from others.
Difficulty Being Alone: Most likely, the internal structure allowing “bonding with self” has been injured. Developing a system to “hold” or “receive” the love/compliments being poured in, is important, or else rest and refreshment end up being a constant flow of water attempting to fill up bottomless cup.
And there are so many more from guilt, feelings of obligation, substance abuse, eating disorders, disorganization, anxiety…
When my boundary lines were blurred, my family ended up with my leftovers and a stressed mom/wife. I would resent my husband when he rested and I felt like I was unable to. I had passive aggressive behavoir when I had a need that wasn’t being met and yet failed to communicate it because I was honestly confused about what I even needed/wanted. When you want a relationship to thrive, there must be boundaries put in place to protect it.
This also applies to the relationship you have with yourself!!
Maybe you’re thinking about the people in your life you need to make a boundary with, or maybe the boundary needs to be made with yourself. Either way, I want to make sure to mention that when you set a healthy boundary in place with another person and they become upset, let that be an indication that this truly is a person you need to set a boundary with. People who don’t have boundaries don’t like boundaries. Many times the person can no longer control you emotionally/physically/mentally which is super hard for them to understand, in fact, it triggers them. It’s such freedom for you, and for them, well, they will need to learn how to be responsible for their own inner workings. Boundaries provide structure, and structure is essential for anything that thrives (from Dr. Henry Cloud’s book: Changes that Heal).
Are your boundary lines blurred a bit and the busy keeps you from truly taking care of the depths of who you are? Do you make ENOUGH time to check in with yourself, decompress, and listen to what your body needs? Or do you rest when you’re tired?
I’ve learned the hard lesson that resting from a sate of exhaustion is completely different than resting from a state of peace & refreshment (Audio #1 dives deeper into this!). If you struggle saying no and tend to take on too much, read the book I mentioned! Also, remember that any form of healing isn’t linear…it often looks messy and exhausting. If thinking about boundaries and rest overwhelms you, you’re not alone. But what I do know to be truth is: having healthy boundaries is extremely freeing!
So, why “rest” for week 2?
Rest is the bridge between release and reconnect. Without rest we fall into a cycle of busy, negative thought cycles, unprocessed negative emotions, & constant doing doing doing. Without rest, the negative released in week one will tend to easily creep back in and cause you to feel stuck once again and again and again.
Having healthy boundaries, plus a good rest schedule, allows space for you to actively work on your needs, desires, and understand what you personally need for the growth you desire. Without healthy boundaries the perpetual busy/stress energy cycle acts as a thief and steals any positive energy you could have towards true growth that sticks. Which is why we’re going to practice making healthy boundaries around “rest” this week.
Hugs. You’re doing good work!! Believe that! Now, let’s dig into this week’s audios!
IMPORTANT LINKS
Needing some extra help soothing your nervous system? Try one of these 3 exercises:
Want a good laugh? Laugh with me, or at me, in regards to rest!
Blast this song and dance this week! Claim this over yourself! Own it, sista.
REMINDERS & HOLISTIC TIPS!
Sleep. Do you get enough of it? These next 14 days try to allow your body time to sleep, at least 7 hours. If life is busy and it’s hard to get 7 hours in, attempt to smash this goal twice this week. The body does so much repair work while we sleep, and not just physically but emotionally, too! Turning off the TV and cell phone (anything with blue light) 30-40 minutes before bedtime helps the brain prepare for the state of rest. There are so many studies out there showing a link between blue light and decreased melatonin.
If you struggle to fall asleep, essential oils come in handy at bedtime. My favorites are cedarwood, lavender, and a blend called peace & calming. Diffusing is so helpful to calm the mind after a super busy day.
Food! Did you know blueberries affect your mood? It’s totally true. They contain an antioxidant called flavonoids which support our cellular function and in return regulate mood. Nuts contain healthy fats (omega -3 fatty acids) supportive to brain function! Zinc, vitamin b, and magnesium help support the body and mind when experiencing depression and anxiety (whole grains, nuts, spinach and other leafy greens, and lean meats). What you put in the body definitely affects your mind, body, and emotions. Maybe add in nuts this week or a handful of blueberries here and there!
Be sure to jot down anything you think, feel, or wish to chat about on Wednesday. Know that I am cheering you on! ❤️
“In peace, I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone, oh Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
